WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Democratic National Committee announced Tuesday that they will officially boycott the upcoming 250th anniversary of the United States, citing concerns that the original 1776 event was “not inclusive enough” and lacked a proper land acknowledgment.
In a press briefing held outside the Capitol, DNC leadership unveiled their alternative celebration, “America 250.1: The Director’s Cut,” which promises to replace the traditional fireworks with a four-hour synchronized interpretive dance about the carbon footprint of the Boston Tea Party. “We simply cannot celebrate a founding that didn’t include a robust DEI committee or a clear policy on workplace remote-work options,” said DNC Chair Jaime Harrison.
The alternative event is scheduled to take place simultaneously with the national Semiquincentennial and will feature a revised Declaration of Independence written entirely in gender-neutral prose and sans-serif fonts. Organizers confirmed that the “Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness” clause will be updated to “Existence, Affirmation, and the pursuit of Equity,” provided that all pursuits are conducted within pre-approved safe zones.
Republican leaders were quick to condemn the boycott, though insiders report they are currently locked in a heated debate over whether to allow a pharmaceutical company to project its logo onto the moon during the official July 4th festivities.
At the time of writing, George Washington’s ghost could not be reached for comment, though local mediums report the Founding Father is less concerned about the political divide and mostly just confused by what a “carbon footprint” is.
This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply.