BURBANK, CA — Following a routine social media post that unexpectedly paralyzed the city’s emergency dispatch system, the Burbank Police Department issued a formal plea this week for residents to stop calling 911 to report “a crime against humanity” occurring in Officer Parks’ biceps.
The department’s original Instagram post, which featured Officer Parks holding two French Bulldogs during a service call, was intended to highlight community outreach. Instead, it triggered a municipal crisis as the comment section quickly devolved into a digital riot of people offering to “commit a minor misdemeanor” just to be handcuffed by the officer. Dispatchers report that the station has been flooded with “emergency” calls from residents claiming they have suddenly forgotten how to breathe or are “identifying as a dog” in hopes of being picked up.
“We appreciate the community’s enthusiasm for our patrol officers, but we must clarify that looking like a ‘total dawg’ is not a violation of the California Penal Code,” said a spokesperson for the department. “Our officers are trained in de-escalation, but they are not currently equipped to handle three thousand women simultaneously asking for a welfare check on their own ‘thirst traps’.”
Despite the department’s attempt to restore order, the situation escalated when local residents began purposely running red lights in front of the station, only to be disappointed when they were pulled over by a 54-year-old sergeant named Gary who does not own a pair of French Bulldogs. Officer Parks has reportedly been moved to a “secure, undisclosed location,” which many commenters on the department’s page have already identified as “their dreams.”
Current indications suggest that the city is considering a new ordinance that would classify “extreme thirst” as a non-emergency condition, though legal experts worry this may only lead to more citizens demanding to be placed under citizen’s arrest.
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