WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump has officially updated the federal holiday calendar to better reflect the nation’s “true priorities,” signing an executive order to cancel free admission to national parks on Martin Luther King Jr. Day and Juneteenth.
Instead, the Department of the Interior announced that park entrance fees will now be waived on June 14 to commemorate President Trump’s birthday.
“Dr. King was a great guy, really fantastic, but people have seen the parks on his day already. They’ve seen them plenty,” Trump said during a press conference at the Lincoln Memorial, which he noted was “due for a power wash and maybe some gold leafing.”
“My birthday is a much better time for hiking. The weather is beautiful, the sun is shining, and quite frankly, the birds sing a little louder. It’s a much more celebratory atmosphere for looking at a rock or a big tree. We’re going to have the biggest attendance in the history of the National Park Service. It’ll be a beautiful birthday present from the American people to me, and from me to them.”
Critics pointed out that June 14 is also Flag Day, a coincidence the President dismissed as “secondary.”
“The flag is great, we love the flag, but I’ve done more for the parks than the flag ever did,” Trump added. “The flag just sits there. I’m out here making the trees look great again. We’re looking at adding some very tasteful ‘TRUMP’ signage to the side of El Capitan. Very subtle. People are going to love it.”
At publishing time, the White House was reportedly looking into whether the geyser at Old Faithful could be reprogrammed to erupt in the shape of a thumbs-up every year on June 14.
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