US – Recent reports from malls across the US have reported unusual sightings of Mariah Carey crashing through walls singing “All I Want For Christmas Is You.” Her entrances have been leaving a wake of destruction, causing shoppers to flee the stores. The shoppers originally had to wear earplugs as the stores intentionally played Mariah Carey Christmas music as early as November 1st.
While the brick and mortar fell to the floor in violence, stores such as JCPenney and Macy’s were seeing a dramatic increase in expenses due to damages in their stores across the nation.
Spokesperson of JCPenny, Stacy Cologne, says her company has never seen anything like it before. “I’ve been with JCPenney for over 20 years. This is the first time I have ever witnessed anything like this,” she said, as she sipped on a glass of Fruit Punch Kool-Aid. “We signed a deal with Ms. Carey for royalties and licensing to play her music in our stores like we do every year.”
Since the release of her new album, Mariah Carey has been on a rampage to promote her music. She claims that she is the only true queen of Christmas and that no one can compete with her. In Ms. Carey’s case, she was so joyed that she couldn’t wait to have everyone hear her sing Christmas songs. Even though stores played her music in early November, it still wasn’t enough for Mariah.
Additionally, people are concerned that Ms. Carey has copied the signature move of the Kool-Aid man, in which he would crash through residential houses and terrorize little children. Many of them are still recovering after intensive therapy to this day.
We reached out to the Kool-Aid man who only answered every question with “Oh yeah!” and left a massive mess in our offices to clean up.
At publishing time, the Kool-Aid man has also filed a lawsuit against Ms. Carey for trademark infringement and emotional distress.
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