Trump Announces Plan To Purchase Greenland Using Only Kohl’s Cash

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump intensified his pursuit of Greenland this week, announcing a breakthrough strategy to acquire the territory without spending a single U.S. taxpayer dollar by utilizing his massive personal stockpile of Kohl’s Cash.

The announcement came during a speech at the World Economic Forum in Davos, where the President clarified that while he has ruled out using military force to take the island, he is fully prepared to use “aggressive retail incentives” to close the deal.

“We have the most Kohl’s Cash anyone has ever seen. It’s a beautiful amount of cash, much better than real money,” Trump told a stunned audience of global leaders. “I have drawers full of it. I told the Danes, ‘Look, you can keep your sovereignty or you can have $40 billion in store credit at the Kohl’s in Paramus, New Jersey.’ It’s a very fair offer. They have great pillows there. My Pillow, actually. The best.”

White House aides confirmed that the administration has been quietly collecting expired and current Kohl’s Cash from supporters across the country for months. Treasury officials were reportedly seen earlier this morning attempting to organize the vouchers into binders, though they expressed concern that the purchase must be completed by Sunday before the current “Kohl’s Cash Earning Period” ends.

“The Danish government has been very difficult, very stubborn,” the President continued. “They say they don’t want to sell. But everyone has a price, and mine is a 30% off coupon that works on top of existing clearance. You can’t get that anywhere else. It’s a tremendous deal for the people of Greenland. They’re going to be so happy when they see the selection of cargo shorts we’re bringing in.”

While Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen has previously called the idea of selling Greenland “absurd,” sources close to the negotiations suggest she became “notably quiet” after Trump offered to throw in a set of non-stick T-fal cookware and a 10-pack of athletic socks.

At publishing time, President Trump was seen arguing with a State Department intern about whether or not the Kohl’s Cash could be used to buy the moon if the Greenland deal falls through.