Pam Bondi Announces All Legal Briefs Will Now Be Written In NASDAQ Tickers

​WASHINGTON, D.C. — Newly confirmed Attorney General Pam Bondi informed Justice Department staffers Thursday that all future federal litigation will be tethered directly to the performance of the NASDAQ, arguing that a high-performing index is technically a “not guilty” verdict for the entire country.

​The announcement follows Bondi’s recent appearance where she successfully shut down a line of questioning regarding Jeffrey Epstein by pointing out that the Dow Jones Industrial Average had surpassed 50,000.

​”The American people don’t want to hear about ‘subpoenas’ or ‘evidence’ when the tech sector is up 1.4%,” Bondi told reporters while standing in front of a live-streaming market board. “If the DOW is over 50,000, I don’t know why you’re even asking about my past record. It’s basic math. Green arrows on a screen legally supersede any ‘prior statements’ I may or may not have made.”

​Department officials confirmed that Bondi has already begun cross-referencing the federal penal code with daily trading volumes. Under the new “Market Justice” initiative, a 200-point jump in the S&P 500 will automatically result in the dismissal of all white-collar indictments, while a market crash will be treated as a national felony.

​”Justice is blind, but she has a very keen eye for portfolio growth,” Bondi added. “If the market is up, the law is being followed. I don’t make the rules; the invisible hand of the free market does.”

​Current indications suggest that the Justice Department’s “Most Wanted” list will soon be replaced by a list of “Most Profitable” stocks, and any lawyer who laughs during a press briefing will be investigated for shorting the American dream.