WASHINGTON, D.C. — Newly confirmed Attorney General Pam Bondi informed Justice Department staffers Thursday that all future federal litigation will be tethered directly to the performance of the NASDAQ, arguing that a high-performing index is technically a “not guilty” verdict for the entire country.
The announcement follows Bondi’s recent appearance where she successfully shut down a line of questioning regarding Jeffrey Epstein by pointing out that the Dow Jones Industrial Average had surpassed 50,000.
”The American people don’t want to hear about ‘subpoenas’ or ‘evidence’ when the tech sector is up 1.4%,” Bondi told reporters while standing in front of a live-streaming market board. “If the DOW is over 50,000, I don’t know why you’re even asking about my past record. It’s basic math. Green arrows on a screen legally supersede any ‘prior statements’ I may or may not have made.”
Department officials confirmed that Bondi has already begun cross-referencing the federal penal code with daily trading volumes. Under the new “Market Justice” initiative, a 200-point jump in the S&P 500 will automatically result in the dismissal of all white-collar indictments, while a market crash will be treated as a national felony.
”Justice is blind, but she has a very keen eye for portfolio growth,” Bondi added. “If the market is up, the law is being followed. I don’t make the rules; the invisible hand of the free market does.”
Current indications suggest that the Justice Department’s “Most Wanted” list will soon be replaced by a list of “Most Profitable” stocks, and any lawyer who laughs during a press briefing will be investigated for shorting the American dream.
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