Washington, D.C. — In a historic moment of self-awareness, Congress has passed a bipartisan bill allocating $500 million to investigate why Congress never seems to accomplish anything.
“This is a critical step in understanding the root cause of our gridlock,” said Senator Dan Tolliver (D-NY) during a press conference that started 45 minutes late and ended without any questions being answered. “We’ll be commissioning top scientists and consultants to figure out why we spend 90% of our time debating lunch options and tweeting.”
The bill, titled the Bureaucratic Productivity Analysis and Reform Study (B.P.A.R.S), will fund a five-year investigation where researchers will shadow lawmakers, analyze their schedules, and determine how much time is spent on actual lawmaking versus arguing about whose turn it is to refill the Keurig machine.
Critics argue that the money could be better spent elsewhere, but lawmakers dismissed the complaints. “Look, if anyone is going to waste $500 million, it should be us,” said Representative Greg Fenson (R-TX) before excusing himself to “attend an urgent committee meeting” at the Capitol cafeteria.
Some lawmakers believe the investigation is unnecessary. “We already know the answer,” said Senator Karen Burrows (I-VT). “It’s lobbyists, cable news appearances, and obsessively checking our approval ratings. But sure, let’s spend millions pretending we don’t know that.”
At publishing time, researchers revealed preliminary findings showing that Congress had already spent $200 million arguing over how to format the final report.
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