Dow Soars 1,500 Points as Investors Celebrate Two Full Years of Nothing Happening

NEW YORK — The Dow Jones Industrial Average soared more than 1,500 points Wednesday after investors confirmed that, with Democrats now running both chambers of Congress and President Donald Trump holding the veto pen, the federal government is expected to accomplish absolutely nothing until January 2029.

“This is the most bullish setup of my career,” said Wexford Plimpton-Idle, chief inactivity strategist at Halvorsen Lull Capital, who upgraded the entire United States to “Strong Buy” at 9:31 a.m. “No surprise tax bills. No midnight spending packages. Just two branches of government staring at each other across Pennsylvania Avenue for 24 months. You can’t model stability like that.”

The S&P 500 climbed 1.8% and the Nasdaq rose 2.1% as traders rushed to price in what one internal memo called “a historic, bipartisan commitment to sitting still.” Rival firm Fenwick & Dray raised its forecast for the number of bills signed into law in 2027 from three to zero, calling it “a beautiful, round number.”

Gains were led by companies that thrive on inaction, including recliner makers, waiting-room chair suppliers and a Delaware firm that manufactures the little “Back In 15 Minutes” clocks hung on office doors, whose shares jumped 41%.

By midday, much of the trading floor had cleared out. “I came in ready to panic,” said floor broker Ines Okafor, 52, of Hoboken, New Jersey, packing up her headset. “Then I realized there’s nothing coming. Nobody’s passing anything. I’m going to go watch my son’s soccer practice for the first time since 2017.”

As the closing bell approached, Halvorsen Lull briefly halted trading in its own shares after an intern was caught drafting a bipartisan infrastructure proposal on his lunch break. “We let him go,” Plimpton-Idle said. “That kind of thing spooks the market.”