Government Confirms 'Five Minutes Away' Means You're Still at Home

Transcript

The federal government has officially ruled that 'five minutes away' means you're still at home, possibly naked, and have only just begun looking for pants.

The National Board of Timekeeping Standards spent three years and fourteen million dollars investigating why everyone is apparently five minutes away from everywhere.

Under the new guidelines, 'on my way' means one shoe is on. The other shoe has not been located.

On screenOn my way · One shoe on. Other missing.

'Almost there' means the person hasn't left, but has already started complaining about traffic.

On screenAlmost there · Still home. Blaming traffic.

'Leaving now' has been removed from the measurement of time entirely. Officials say it describes an emotional intention, not a physical movement.

On screenNational Board of Timekeeping Standards · Phrase Reclassification · NBTS-114 · Phrase · Leaving now · Old category · Unit of time · New category · Emotional intention · Physical movement · None detected · The desire to leave does not constitute evidence of departure. · RECLASSIFIED

The phrase 'I'm here' will remain unchanged. It still means circling the block, refusing to pay four dollars for parking.

The board was scheduled to announce further changes at nine this morning. They texted to say they're five minutes away.