Sexual Harassment Complaints at an All Time Low as Select Companies Adopt Crocs as Required Footwear, Study Shows

Detroit, MI – A new study for a select few of companies shows that workplace harassment is at an all time low of 8%, down from 73%, as companies implement Crocs as standard footwear.

Head Director of Human Resources Enterprises, Claire Bindledash, says, “It’s thrilling to see new statistics showing the success of this implementation. Our biggest issue is a lot of these sexual harassment complaints, for all sexes, have been rampant throughout different departmental branches from these companies.” 

Claire’s experimental program consisted of requiring all employees, including the employers, to replace their current shoes to any model made by Crocs.

“This company has received a lot of mixed feelings. A lot of people hate them and a lot of people love them because of the comfort, not so much how they look, unfortunately.” She looked away and scratched her forehead, “However, I decided to try them out as an experiment and see where it takes us. Crocs are manufactured out of a foam resin called croslite, which the material makeup consists of a polymer called ethylene-vinyl acetate. I learned that this was a special deterrent that caused people in contact with them to clear a specific region in their brain to become docile with any sexual desires. Call it, another form of birth control.”

Claire also stated she was expecting the complaints to drop to 0%. “The most likely reason is the other 8% are immune to Crocs as if they have some weird fetish in wearing them in the first place,” she says.

We interviewed Jonathan Lindermeister at Hardcore Teddy LLC, a company specializing in teddy bear concealed weaponry and is a part of the program. Mr Lindermeister oversees the production and quality control of the teddy’s rear end receiver.

“It’s really weird, ever since I’ve started wearing these,” he says, “I’ve been having clean thoughts when working. Some clients come in with some pretty revealing clothing and I have been keeping my eye contact with theirs the entire time!”

Claire’s future plans are to roll out a new project as soon as she the current project come to full fruition over the next course of the year. “As soon as we’ve successfully make these changes, we are looking into using the same material to create gloves for strip club patrons, preventing them from touching the adult entertainers,” she said as she smiled.