Wednesday edition · October 28, 2026Independent satire for an increasingly plausible world
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Reel

Self-Checkout Calls for Assistance So Often Store Hires It an Assistant

· 45 sec

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Transcript

A grocery store outside Dayton has hired a full-time assistant for its self-checkout machine, which called for help two hundred fourteen times on Tuesday.

Most calls involved bananas, a reusable bag, and, at one point, the customer.

The new assistant now stands beside lane four full time, scanning every item for every customer.

Corporate calls this a breakthrough. It's a cashier.

We reached a regular shopper by phone.

Linda Szabo: I put one lemon down and it called security. I wasn't even done with the lemon.

The machine has since requested an assistant for its assistant.

Satire. Everything in this reel is made up for comedy.

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