COLUMBIA HEIGHTS, MN — The Department of Homeland Security issued a formal statement today clarifying that federal agents did not use a 5-year-old preschooler as “bait” during a recent immigration sweep; rather, they were merely observing a minor who had been “abandoned” by a father with a very poor sense of direction.
The controversy erupted after school officials in a Minneapolis suburb accused Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) of taking 5-year-old Liam Ramos from a running car and directing him to knock on his own front door to see if any other “violent criminals” were hiding behind the curtains. Superintendent Zena Stenvik called the move “essentially using a child as bait,” though DHS officials countered that the child was simply standing there for his own safety while his father attempted a 100-meter dash in the opposite direction.
“ICE did NOT target a child,” insisted DHS spokesperson Tricia McLaughlin, who described the framing of the incident as a “horrific smear.” According to federal accounts, the father fled on foot, leaving the child in a running vehicle, at which point an agent kindly escorted the boy to the door to check for a mother who allegedly refused to answer, presumably because she was busy not being arrested.
Vice President JD Vance weighed in on the “terrible story” during a visit to Minneapolis, noting that as a parent of a 5-year-old himself, he understood the tactical necessity of not letting children freeze to death while their parents are being apprehended.
At publishing time, the 5-year-old was being held in a Texas detention facility, where he is reportedly being questioned on his knowledge of complex asylum laws and whether his stuffed turtle has valid travel documents.
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