Government Shutdown Forces TSA To Replace High-Tech Scanners With Magic 8 Balls

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the partial government shutdown enters its third week following a budget lapse at the Department of Homeland Security, travelers are reporting a significant downgrade in airport security protocols.

With TSA PreCheck and Global Entry officially suspended due to a lack of funding, the administration has reportedly authorized the use of “budget-conscious” screening alternatives to keep lines moving. At Dulles International Airport, passengers were seen being asked to consult a standard Magic 8 Ball before boarding their flights. If the device displays “Outlook Not So Good,” the traveler is immediately diverted to a secondary screening room that currently consists of a folding chair and a guy named Gary who “has a feeling about people.”

The Department of Homeland Security, which has been without a formal budget since February 14, initially attempted to maintain standard operations. However, after the supply of official “Security Theater” badges ran out, agents were forced to improvise. “We are committed to the safety of the American people, even if our current equipment is primarily manufactured by Mattel,” said one furloughed official who asked to remain anonymous in exchange for a half-eaten granola bar.

Critics have pounced on the shift, noting that while the Magic 8 Balls are surprisingly consistent at detecting liquid quantities over three ounces, they struggle to identify non-metallic threats. The administration has dismissed these concerns, pointing out that the new system is “100% more transparent” than the previous algorithms, mostly because you can see the little blue triangle floating in the liquid.

Current indications suggest that if the shutdown continues into March, the FAA may begin replacing grounded air traffic controllers with a series of highly trained pigeons equipped with tiny whistles.