WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move sparking both outrage and confusion, U.S. Congress has introduced a new bill proposing a nationwide ban on eggs, claiming that the breakfast staple has become “too accessible” to the average American during ongoing inflation struggles.
“Eggs have become a dangerous economic outlier,” said Senator Patricia Carlton during a press conference. “While everything else is skyrocketing—gas, housing, avocado toast—eggs have remained suspiciously affordable. We can’t have that kind of imbalance.”
The bill, informally dubbed the “Fair Pricing for Breakfast Act,” would limit the availability of eggs until their price catches up with other groceries like artisanal oat milk and organic cereal. “Americans shouldn’t be allowed to enjoy a stable breakfast when so many can’t afford lunch,” Carlton added. “This is about fairness.”
The proposed legislation includes provisions to increase egg prices by artificially limiting supply, requiring farmers to enroll their chickens in “mandatory rest periods” and implementing government-mandated emotional support for stressed hens.
The bill has faced fierce backlash from consumers, who argue that eggs are one of the few affordable protein sources left. “I knew it was too good to be true,” sighed local shopper Karen Young, gazing at a carton of $3 eggs. “Just when I thought I had breakfast covered, Congress comes in with its ‘luxury tax.’”
At publishing time, lawmakers were also rumored to be considering a ban on instant noodles and store-brand bread, which they warned could cause “dangerous levels of consumer satisfaction.”
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