WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a sweeping move to “Make America Healthy Again,” newly confirmed HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced Friday that the Department of Health and Human Services will begin phase one of its “Pathogen-Forward” initiative: replacing all standard hospital IV saline bags with unpasteurized, farm-fresh raw milk.
The initiative, which Kennedy described as “just common-sense hydration that Big Pharma doesn’t want you to know about,” aims to eliminate what he calls “liquid chemicals” in the medical system.
”For too long, we’ve been pumping patients full of sodium chloride—basically salt water—when we could be providing them with the probiotics and raw bovine energy that nature intended,” Kennedy said while leaning against a podium that had been recently scrubbed of all FDA-approved sanitizers. “If you carry the obesity gene or are just feeling a bit under the weather, a direct line of non-homogenized cream is exactly the kind of accountability your fork—and your veins—need”.
The plan has already faced pushback from medical professionals who raised minor concerns about “immediate septic shock” and the “logistics of keeping thousands of gallons of milk from curdling in the hospital vents.” Kennedy dismissed these as “surrender science” propagated by individuals who likely carry the obesity gene and are currently “puppeteering their own forks” toward processed snacks.
Fox News host Rachel Campos-Duffy reportedly hailed the announcement as “MAHA wisdom,” praising the Secretary for having the courage to finally “tell the truth” about the healing powers of uninspected dairy.
At publishing time, the HHS was reportedly looking into a secondary proposal to replace all hospital pediatric gowns with bison-down onesies to ensure newborns are properly grounded in “authentic American fibers” from day one.
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