Former Prince Andrew Demands To Be Arrested Again After Discovering Freedom Involves Making His Own Toast

SANDRINGHAM — Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor, the British former prince, reportedly contacted the Thames Valley Police late Thursday evening to request an immediate re-arrest after discovering that his release from custody required him to perform basic household tasks without the assistance of a royal valet.

Following an 11-hour stint in police custody on suspicion of misconduct in public office, the former Duke of York was released under investigation and returned to his residence on the Sandringham estate. However, sources close to the former royal say the “harsh reality” of life outside a cell set in when he realized there was no one available to butter his evening crumpets or select his silk pajamas.

“He was back for less than an hour before he started calling the station,” said one anonymous staff member. “He apparently told the sergeant that the police cell was ‘remarkably efficient’ and that he quite missed the structured environment where people brought him trays of food. He specifically complained that the toaster at home was ‘unnecessarily complicated’ and that the bread wasn’t popping up at the correct royal height.”

The former prince, who was stripped of his titles by King Charles III last October, is currently facing scrutiny over allegations that he shared confidential trade reports with Jeffrey Epstein. Despite the gravity of the investigation, witnesses say Andrew seemed more concerned with the lack of a turn-down service in his current living quarters.

“It’s a matter of human rights, really,” Andrew reportedly shouted into a cordless phone while staring at a pile of laundry. “In the station, there was a man whose sole job was to check on me every hour. Here, I’ve been sitting in this armchair for forty minutes and not a single soul has offered me a digestive biscuit. I demand to be taken back into custody where the rules are clear and the porridge is lukewarm.”

Current indications suggest that local law enforcement has blocked the former prince’s number after he asked if the police transport van could “swing by a Nando’s” on the way back to the station.