Zelenskyy Asks U.S. for $20 Billion to Find Out Where the Last $100 Billion Went

KYIV— In a bold new funding request, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy has asked the United States for an additional $20 billion, this time to finance an investigation into where the last $100 billion in aid mysteriously disappeared.

“We are absolutely certain that the funds were put to good use,” said Zelenskyy, addressing reporters while standing in front of a newly constructed golden statue of himself in central Kyiv. “However, due to unforeseen circumstances—such as them vanishing—we now require additional resources to find out where they went.”

Experts suggest that a portion of the money may have been lost in routine military expenses, accounting errors, or suitcases mysteriously walking out of government offices. “We also suspect some of it might have been spent on catering,” said one Ukrainian official, pointing to a $3 billion line item labeled ‘Lunch’.

To ensure transparency, Ukraine has promised to form a Special Committee for Missing Aid Recovery, which, as a precaution, has already requested $5 billion in operational costs upfront. The U.S. government is reportedly reviewing the request, with lawmakers asking the Pentagon if it would be easier to simply send Ukraine another $100 billion and hope some of it sticks.

At publishing time, Zelenskyy assured the international community that as soon as they receive the $20 billion to investigate the missing $100 billion, they’ll be requesting an additional $50 billion to figure out where that $20 billion went.