Social Security Phone Robot Upgraded to ‘Super Intelligence,’ Still Can’t Understand ‘Representative’

DAYTON, OH — The Social Security Administration’s automated phone system officially became a “Super Intelligence” Wednesday under a new executive order, and it still cannot understand the word “representative.”

Retiree Marjorie Pennyfeather, 71, said she noticed the upgrade about 40 minutes into her call. “It used to say, ‘Welcome to our automated assistant,’” she said. “Now it says, ‘Welcome to your Super Intelligence.’ Then I said ‘representative,’ and it offered to read me my benefits in Portuguese.”

President Donald Trump signed an order Tuesday directing federal agencies to use “Super Intelligence” and “SI” in place of “artificial intelligence” and “AI” in official communications, and stating that the executive branch “will not acknowledge” the old terms. The order defines Super Intelligence as the exact same technology federal law already calls artificial intelligence, making it one of the first upgrades in history completed entirely with a label maker.

Pennyfeather has now called 14 times. “I said ‘representative.’ I said ‘agent.’ I said ‘a human person, please,’” she said. “I said it slowly, the way you talk to a dog. It said, ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that,’ but in a much smarter voice.”

Glenn Rebrandt, the agency’s newly appointed deputy associate commissioner for terminology compliance, said the system is working exactly as designed. “Under the old name, the robot was failing to understand callers,” Rebrandt said. “Under the new name, it is choosing not to. That is the difference between artificial and super.”

Rebrandt added that phone staff have been told to treat any caller who says “AI” as if the line has gone dead, which several callers said has been the policy for years.

Dr. Wendell Pressone, who studies phone menus at the Institute for Please Continue to Hold, called the rebrand a breakthrough. “Our research shows callers are 30 percent more patient when they believe they are being ignored by a genius,” Pressone said. “Next, we’d like to rename the hold music ‘Super Music.’”

At publishing time, Pennyfeather had finally reached a human being, who apologized for the wait and asked if she had tried calling the Super Intelligence.