Scientists Announce Breakthrough: Coffee Now Officially Recognized as a Food Group

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Scientists and baristas are scratching their heads over a new move by researchers at the Institute of Beverage Studies that officially declares coffee a food group all on its own. This revelation, brewed over years of intense study, has finally given the beloved bean juice the recognition it deserves.

“Coffee has always been essential,” mentioned Dr. Gloria Beansworth who is also an expert in caffeine while clutching her fifth cup of the day. “It’s not just a drink; it’s a lifestyle, a religion, and now, a food group,” she says as she smiles with her yellow teeth.

To reach this conclusion, data was compiled from office break rooms as well as hipster cafes and even found in bottomless cups of coffee. Researchers have proven that coffee contains all the necessary nutrients needed for survival in today’s work environment such as caffeine, sugar, and milk.

“I am happier than I was before sliced bread,” stated excited scientist Dr. Joe Cuppa whose hands were visibly shaking out of excitement. “Now I can justify my 12-cup-a-day habit- It’s not an addiction- It is a balanced diet!”

The top of the new food pyramid will feature a big coffee mug, with smaller sections for Doughnuts, Bagels, Muffins and “Whatever That Guy in Accounting Brought.” The FDA supports this reclassification because it fits current dietary patterns. Linda Perk, an FDA representative said “According to our surveys the average American already consumes more coffee than vegetables.” She added: “It’s about time our guidelines caught up with reality.”

These local coffee shops are benefiting from the buzz. “We’ve introduced a new ‘balanced breakfast blend’ that comes with some vitamin supplements on the side,” explained Java Joe, owner of Brewtopia. “We’ve also come up with something called ‘espresso shots’ for kids so they can get their daily nutrients too.”

Not everybody is happy though. Tea drinkers have complained about being marginalized. A disgruntled Earl Grey fan asked, “What about tea? It’s full of antioxidants that are good for you.” As a compromise, Dr Beansworth suggested: “Tea could be put under a new sub-category – ‘Hot Leaf Water.’”

With the dust clearing on this epic declaration, it is clear that our mornings haven’t changed all that much. “Now that it’s official, I don’t have to cut back on how much coffee I drink!,” John Dinkles, a father of two and an office worker said as he poured himself another cup of coffee from his ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ mug for the fifth time before 10 am. “I already feel better.”

So whether you are a coffee connoisseur or someone who just needs an early morning fix, celebrate! It is now official: coffee is part of a healthy diet. Here’s to development one sip at a time.