HOUSTON, TX — After years of research and billions in taxpayer dollars, NASA scientists confirmed today that the Moon is, in fact, just really, really far away.
“We had our suspicions,” said Dr. Carl Henshaw, lead researcher at NASA’s Lunar Distance Initiative. “But after extensive calculations, satellite imaging, and throwing a rock as hard as we could, we can now say with scientific certainty that the Moon is not nearby.”
The report, titled The Moon: Yep, It’s Way Over There, concludes that while the Moon looks pretty close at night, walking to it remains “highly unlikely” without substantial improvements in footwear technology. The study also suggests that standing on your roof and jumping “probably won’t get you much closer.”
In response to the findings, NASA has requested an additional $10 billion to investigate whether the Sun is actually hot or just pretending.
At publishing time, SpaceX had announced plans to test a new rocket system by simply duct-taping a lawn chair to a firework and seeing what happens.
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